I HATE CHEAP ASS PEOPLE and Broke isn't my BFF EITHER, but IF you ain't GOT NO MONEY KEEP YA BROKE ASS HOME!!!

Hello World I am back, I know its been a minute and hey u know what that means, I have tons of Stuff to tell you all about or better yet lets use the word Enlighten. My life has been a world wind of pleasurable experiences. My BFF got married, so I have been super busy with that and I turned a year older and wiser, YAY me!! So now that everything has settled down, I can get back to doing what I love and that is talking to my Stans!! Now trust and believe I am about to go in. You already know this blog is not for the faint of heart or the ultra sensitive.

 THIS IS SPARTA BITCHES and I have no problem kicking a Bitch into a Deep dark hole where she BELONGS!!! 

Soooo I have been thinking about this for a very long time and this is the one thing in the world that urks me more than anything. Let me say this out loud and shout it from the rooftop, I hate CHEAP ASS People!!!

I hate cheap more than I hate BROKE!! Broke is just that, you don’t have it!! Cheap is I have it and don’t want to spend it.

Let me give you a scenario your broke ass friend is not going with you out to eat because her ass broke!! She got too may kids or too many bills or maybe it’s a combination of both. She got too much of something happening and she can’t afford it and it ain’t no secret, SHE BROKE. There is nothing wrong with being broke. I have broke moments too. She will flat out say I am broke and I am not mad at her. Your cheap ass friend is going to go out with you to eat $100 worth of food and then leave $2 on the table as a tip. That bitch Cheap. $2 is not a tip, it’s a damn gesture. I used to wait tables and $2 is a damn insult on my intelligence and on the services I just provided. If all you have is $2 to leave you need to get your food to go. I am sorry. I personally believe there is a code of conduct when hanging out with your home girls and there are just some things we just don’t do. You do not embarrass the both of you by leaving a service person 2 damn DOLLARS!!! Stop being so damn CHEAP!!!

Another thing you do not do is You do not add up your food and give me exact change for your meal, no tax no tip no nothing!!! Where they do that at? Is this a business meal or are we out having a good time….And who in the hell got all these nickels and dimes in there damn pocket? You ain’t going to die if we give the waiter your extra 23 cents. That ish is Tacky and it SCREAMS I am cheap and I think 23 cents is going to save me. You can’t even make a phone call on the payphone with 23 cents. A quarter juice cost more than 23 cents. A bag of chips is more than 23 cents as well. You want to know how worthless 23 cents is, give a 7 year old 23 cents and tell them to go to the corner store and buy themselves something. THEY GONNA TELL YOU THAT AIN’T A DAMN NUFF!!! I hate a 23 cent Cheap Bitch. 

 Now all my girlfriends who know me, know I have great going out etiquette, I don’t penny pinch, I tip well, and I am going to eat and drink what the hell I want when I am out and about. In this economy $20 ain’t gonna save me and it damn for sure ain’t gonna save you. You ever been out with somebody and they ask if they have free refills. (Who ask that question in 2011) and the waiter says no so the hoe start drinking water. What the FUCK!!! You mean to tell me you want soda but refuse to pay for it with your meal cuz it ain’t free. See thats a Buffet hoe right there!! Her ass is use to going to the damn buffet where there have free refills on the damn food and the drinks. I can’t stand a buffet hoe, if you a buffet hoe, stay the hell home or take your ass to the buffet. Do not come out with me asking about no refills on no damn $3 cup of soda. $3 can’t even get you a gallon of GAS!!! What exactly are you going to do with this $3. ENLIGHTEN ME!!! Some things I just can not fathom. Now by no means am I rich, far from it but as I stated before I hate CHEAP!!! Cheap Clothes, Cheap Shoes, Cheap Hair, Cheap PeoplE!!!! I hate all things Cheap!!!

Last but not least lets fast forward to the upgrade because its free type of hoe. If you been drinking soda all damn night, if I am treating do not all of a sudden order a real damn DRINK. Do not come to my house talking abt you only drink bottle water and I just saw you drinking fresh out the damn tap in the club. I hate and auto upgrade because somebody else is paying type of BITCH!! GTFOH!! I see chicks do it to men all the time and that is not ok and I see them do it to there friends as well, ITS ALSO NOT OK!!!  It is flat out rude and it screams I am CHEAP!!!

Now lets fast forward to BROKE!!! I said I hate cheap more than broke, but broke is not my bff either. I’m going to say this 1 damn time and 1 time only. If you ain’t got NO MONEY Keep your broke ASS HOME!!! Do not go on vacation BROKE!!! Do not go to the CLUB BROKE!!! DON’T EVEN Go to the MALL BROKE!! If you can afford to get there but can’t afford to SPEND there, then your ass don’t need to be there!!! POINT, BLANK, PERIOD!! I am not going on vacation and eating McDonalds the whole damn time. I am not going on vacation and cooking the whole damn time. And OMG if you got a man and you go on vacation and you still broke, GO Kill YA SELF!! Because his ass is BROKE TOO!!! BROKE plus BROKE equals MORE BROKE!!!! He can’t even send you out with a few dollars to enjoy yourself. He can’t even feed you on vacation. HOUSTON we have a PROBLEM!! I am literally embarrassed for both you and HIM!! I am not going to the club BROKE and I am not going to the mall BROKE!!! Like I said I will keep my BROKE ASS Window shopping, waiting on a nucca to buy me a drink ass home. There are rules to this ISH and I refuse to break them. Plus this is SPARTA, the next Bitch will not be kickin my BACK IN!!!

So now that we know what makes us look broke and cheap (I only went into the obvious ones trust there are plenty more scenarios that I will keep to myself), lets see what we have learned from my last KICK A BITCH DOWN A DEEP DARK HOLE RANT!!

1. Do not pull out a damn calculator, pen or pencil when you are at the damn dinner table. You are a grown ass woman, u should know how to add, subtract, multiply and divide. If you want to leave 20 percent divide the damn check by 5 or you can move the decimal on the total bill one place to the left and that is your 10 % tip. But do not pull out you 5^th GRADE MATH KIT!!!

2. If you are out with your damn Friends split the damn bill. Yall friends, you are going to see the BITCH again.

3. If you ain’t GOT NO Money KEEP YA BROKE ASS HOME!! Unless we friends and we treat each other. My friends who know me and I know ain’t  CHEAP ( side bar: I do not treat Cheap ass people, cuz I know the favor will never be returned and if it is, then they will never let me forget it. It turns into on of those “remember that 1 time at Bandcamp” stories and I don’t have time for it) knows I have no problem with Holding them down for the NIGHT!!! But that is a conversation we have b4 we go out, not when we get there. (Have the convo prior PLEASE, cuz if yall both out and broke yall may just end up washing dishes or worst in jail for theft of services).  

4. Never and I repeat NEVER ask if a place has free refills, there is no point in knowing the answer to that question, either you want a damn soda or you don’t!!

5. Do not eat or drink what u can not afford, because if the folks you are with are not your friends then you can probably bet your bottom dollar you all are not splitting the bill. You won’t be eating Lobster on me, WE AIN’T FRIENDS. And your ass better not pull out a calculator to get your portion correct. You know what the hell you ate!!

Well my loves, I am done for now. Eat, Live and Spend Responsibly!! Life is to short and you can’t take it with you. And remember Nobody ever got Rich from being CHEAP ASSS HELL!!! But they have been talked about on this damn BLOG!!! LOL,  and as I always say…..THIS IS SPARTA Bitches!!!  I love you all!!

MAKE Up and Fashion Tips from Mrs. Suicide, SOME THINGS I SEE JUST AIN’T RIGHT and your ass SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!

OKKK So I know u guys are looking like WTH, this ain’t the type of Blog I am used to. MrsSuicide done lost it, she want to give fashion and make up tips, WTF!!!  Trust, YES the hell it is. My tips ain’t coming from Cosmo, they coming straight from me and some folks need to hear it.  I am noticing a lot of trends besides the obvious tacky as eyelashes and jacked DOWN weaves (they to F’d Up to be jacked up, hence the term Jacked DOWN!!)  and they need to be addressed. So I’m a keep this Simple and Sweet!!! You Already KNOW!!!

THIS IS SPARTA BITCHES!!!!

So ladies let just start with your face from top to bottom.

1. Eyebrows.

 Ladies this is the window to your face and just having them arched is not enough, some of you need to fill those bad boys in. Yes I am an avid eyebrow DRAWER and an advocate!!! I was not blessed in the eyebrow department so they get filled in everyday. I bet you rather I draw them on than to walk around and you keep looking at me like what the hell is wrong with her face and then when I walk away 10 minutes later you realize the problem is my ass didn’t have any eyebrows. Now if you have already realized that YES, I do need to fill my eyebrows in then this is great, some of us can get away with just getting them arched but some of us can not. If you draw them on as I always do, YOU NEED, (hold on a sec, I am going to first hope that your ass can draw a little bit and you don’t run around here looking  Surprised all the damn time. If this is you, I can not help you, you need to stop reading NOW!!! Because you don’t have any reason running around here looking like the BBM Surprised face, ur eyebrows should have been your guide, now if your ass done shaved them all off, DO NOT PASS GO and DO NOT Collect $200, GO Straight to Jail and stay there until your eyebrows grow the hell back) If you are an avid eyebrow filler or recently realized that when you take pictures something just isn’t quite right, or you eyebrows are not quite showing up in the damn photo, you need to invest in a good eye brow pencil!! Ladies let me tell you this, the products you use will make or break the end result. Those dollar store pencils will have you looking like you drew your damn eyebrows on with a magic marker in the morning and by the end of the day you will only have 1 damn Eyebrow because you done sweated that cheap shit off.  I recommend the Spiked self sharpening. Brow Pencil by Mac Cosmetics, for $15 it is well worth it and because it is self sharpening you do not have worry about going to use it and the damn point breaking. I am not going to even go into the oscar the grouch eyebrows because you all should know better.

2. Lips

 Ladies your lips should look amazing, I mean you want the opposite sex or whatever sex you are attracted to (Shout out to the GAYS), to look at your lips and imagine the thing they can do, not the THINGS THEY CAN CUT!!!  Some of those lips are horrible. Just as dry and as crusty as ever. Like you been licking flour. If you lips are extra dry and you have excess dead skin on them this is not good but I will say ok, maybe u got caught in a blizzard or something (BBM Whatever FACE). Who knows?!?! What you should do is take a soft head toothbrush, put a generous amount or Vaseline on your lips and simply wet the toothbrush and use it to rub off the access deadskin from your lips. We do not need you pulling and unintentionally Lorraina Bobbit on you boo with them crusty as lips, SMH!! Also if your lips are extra black lip gloss just isn’t going to cut it. I am not going to even ask why you got the black lips, (uhm hmm smoking them TREES), but take a dap of foundation and put it on your lips before you put on your lip gloss. Can’t have you running around here with black shiny lips, thinking your lip gloss is poppin when you just drawing attention to them and letting everybody know you smoke weed and you got SHINY BLACK ASS LIPS!!! Looking like something straight out a GOTH Magazine, Can we SAY WALKING DEAD!!! .  

3. Face

 Skincare is very important and one needs to know how to take care of their skin, I don’t know what to tell you about this because if you ass is over 25 and you haven’t figured it out, u need to go see a damn dermatologist, I can not help you. I wash my face with water and that is it, every once in a blue I may need to pull out the old school Noxzema but that is about as deep as my skincare regiment gets. What I will say is ladies, foundation is your friend. It is possible to wear foundation and not look over done or like a CAKE FACE as my boyfriend likes to call it. As a matter of fact a lot of yall need to put some on to even out that skin tone, face eight different colors all over and you can’t figure out why you a lonely bitch. Even out that skin tone, put on a nice blush and some lip gloss and try that out for a change, especially if what you got going on already isn’t working. Everybody so quick to say I don’t wear make up, I am Natural, some of yall NATURALLY A DAMN MESS!!! Now all men are not into makeup, I wear make up EVERYDAY, but I have a Natural look and  GLAM look, most men can not tell the difference between a natural look and a face with no make up, except that with the latter something just isn’t as clear and polished as it should be. My Research says however that the face with the make up is more appealing. (I did this study at the club one night and I met more men with my natural make up face than without a stitch of damn make up on, didn’t even fill in my brows, A MESS).  Hence when I was clubbing and tryna catch something THE FACE WAS DONE!!!! Face is always still done cuz you never know who you are going to run into (i.e. exes, your beau exes, folk that know you but you don’t know them talking about that’s that broad that be talking all that smack MrsSuicide she ain’t that FLY). Ladies I recommend you invest in a good foundation, go to any Mac Counter and they will match you up very nicely. Also remember your skin is lighter in the winter than in the summer so your foundation may switch with the season. A little bronzer can also help with this problem. Yes Black folks can wear BRONZER!!! Can’t have u walking around looking like Casper the Friendly Damn Ghost and you talking about but MrsSuicide said I need to wear foundation. Yeah you do, but the foundation also needs to MATCH DAMN IT!!!    

OK Now I am going to leave the face and just go into the trends I see.

1.  No Underwear!!!

Ladies I want all of you to wear DRAWERS!! Especially under the Kelly Bundy (short and tight) Dresses. If you do not want a panty line, that is fine.  A few yeas ago they invented something called seamless PANTIES!! Yes HONEY!!!  They are panties with no seams, just for folks who do not want panty lines. I for the life of me can not leave the house in a dress and just be out all commando. Why? Because what if I get into a fight and for those of us to old to be fighting, what if I just happen to slip on a spilled drink in the club, now my HOOHAA is out for the world to see!!! The world won’t be getting that opportunity, IJS!! Now even if you are not afraid of the world seeing your HOOHAA, there is all types of creepy crawlies just waiting to hitch a ride from one persons house to another, your DRAWERS are your first defense for your HOOHAA, why in the world would you just let your defenses down. Now we ladies with booties that jiggle when we walk ain’t got no DAMN Business running around with no DRAWERS ON, your ass look like two cats fighting back there, PUT SOME DAMN DRAWERS AND some Spanx ON!!! Save the Cat Fighting Booty for your MAN!!!

2.  Too Little Clothes!!

 Ok Folks as a woman whose weight fluctuates up and down the scale, I know that some things I can wear one month and the next month I can not. I need you all to know this too. If its TOO TIGHT it JUST AIN’T RIGHT!! If when you put on your pants your belly rolls over the top, they are too damn little. The Muffin TOP is not Sexy! If when you put on a shirt and button it up, there are gaps in between where we can see your skin as if you are putting on a PEEP SHOW!!! ITS TOO DAMN LITTLE!!!! If you put on a jacket and there is no way in HELL you can button it up, ITS TOO DAMN Little. Drop them all off in the Bins they have all around town these days and Donate them to the less fortunate. Now I am one that will keep things believing I will be able to fit them one day, but I will not go outside in them, until THEY ACTUALLY FIT!!!

Now lets just say it comes in your size, because now a days if folks think you will buy it, they will make it. Let me say this, Everything is not for everybody. For example they make belly shirts in every size and in every color, a belly shirt is not for you if you have a BELLY!!! Leggins, yes they do stretch to the point of no return, but those are not for everybody either, extra skinny girls included. Leggings make you look like u smoking something and we are not talking about weed either. Your ass looks malnourished and the leggings are empahasizing this. Why the hell you got on Saggy Leggings, CTHU!!! Extra big girls, if done right you can pull a legging of but and I say this, make sure they are not the ones you can see through and when you bend over we can see your HOOHAA. Can You say NOT GOOD!!!

There are a few more trends that are killing me, but I have rode them to the point of no return and have decided today was a day that I would just emphasize on the fixable. Shout OUT TO The Old Hoes, the LaceFronts that look like Helmets and THE Windshield Wiper Eyelashes!!! Yall know theses extra ghetto trends just ain’t right and they make you look Extra HOOD for no damn Reason!! Might as well just write I AM GHETTO right on your forehead with that cheap ass eyebrow pencil you been using to draw those eyebrows on with. Just country and Corny as Hell!! I don’t think I need to tell yall about it, because we have discussed them time and time again.

What I will say is if you have a friend who looks a mess all the time, TELL THEM!! I will be your first friend to give your ass an intervention if we are friends, but unfortunately everybody ain’t my damn FRIEND, some of them are yours!! It is the nature of the beast and watch out for the LONELY Bitch who always looks a mess, because she will let you believe looking a mess is the way to GO!! She don’t know any better. She will suck you down into that Deep DARK HOLE in Sparta and I won’t even have to KICK you in the BACK 2 GET YOU THERE> The Lonely Bitch that always looks a MESS done Pulled You DOWN!! Live, Laugh and Love and Remember THIS IS SPARTA BITCHES!!! Happy Wednesday!!  

TEAM MAMA JONES!!! I have no respect for Chrissy anymore!!

OKKK Folks!! I know you all saw “Hip Hop Wives” this weekend and if you did not it doesn’t matter because I will spell it out for you. I watch a WOMAN propose to a MAN on National TV. I literally am DEAD Over HERE!!!

DEAD!!!! DEAD!!! ___________________ (BEEEEP) No Pulse, NO HEARTBEAT I am DEAD!!!

Call      Whighams        NOW!!!!

Now before any of you Females decide that this BS is OK, I am  going to set All yall Asses Straight, including Chrissy’s Ass Backwards ASS!!! Proposing to a MAN is Never OK!!! I don’t care how you slice it, dice it or pureee it!! It is NOT and I REPEAT!!! NOT OKAY!!! Do not let anyone convince u other wise. If you do this you will forever be a FORD!!! So because all of my anger is directed at Miss Chrissy in particular I will write her a letter, feel free to deliver it!!!

And Remember this is SPARTA BITCHES!!! I have no problem kicking a Bitch Down a Deep Dark HOLE where SHE BELONGS!!! And TRUST Chrissy Definitely Belongs!!!

Dear Chrissy,

I understand that this is your life and all, I can respect anybody’s hustle. The fact that you don’t work doesn’t bother me one bit!!! Do you Mama!!! At the beginning of the show I had some respect for you. I mean your from the hood and we have a few mutual acquaintances so I have heard your name before this whole Hip Hop Wives thing. They said you could dress your ass off. Heard a few people say we had similar swag. You know how that hood stuff go. It is what it is, I never met you so who knows. I know we don’t look alike so that is that. I am not here to judge you based on looks or swag. I think you’re a pretty lady, but who cares. My homegirl said you dress better on the streets than you do on the show, so I won’t even bring that up. I could but I won’t. You done got your own show out the deal and your doing you!!! Go Chrissy.

Well my, my, my with all the respect I had for you, you just Fucked it up big time!!! I REALLY REALLY need to know what the Hell possessed you to propose to a MAN on national TV!!! What in Gods Name made you do that?!?! Hunh?!?! HUNH?!?! Answer me please!!!

I think your exact words was “Yall can wait around but I’m a go for MINES!!!” Well Honey Bunny I think that line refers to jobs, new career paths and being a take charge kind of woman in that sense. Is it because you don’t work that you got this utterly confused and thought it was in reference to PROPOSING TO A DAMN MAN!!! You got the game Fucked UP!!! On top of that he didn’t even say yes!! He said I’m with YOU!! The when you gave him that fake ass ultimatum he told you when you leave “Don’t forget to take the dog with you” HUNH!!! Are you really this dumb in real life. I think you only got the response you got because he just didn’t want to embarrass your ass because he does love you. He says it all the time, so I believe it. Unlike those delusional ass girlfriends of yours who probably told you this BS was OK!!! Uhm Hmm that Olivia and that damn Emily. Can u say WETAWDID and Dumb as HELL!!!

Well lets start with Olivia, she lives in Delusion City and let me tell you why. She had a boyfriend that wasn’t her boyfriend!! CTFU!! Uhm Red Flag, you are not supposed to listen to anything she has to say. I wouldn’t let her give relationship advice to a toad let alone a human being. PLUS, not only was she going to let you Propose to a MAN, she was gonna let you do it DRESSED like a Streetwalker in a room full of people which included HIS MAMA!!! As hood as Mama Jones may be, she is still his MAMA!!! Why would you propose to anybody in a room full of people in your drawers!!! LMAOOO!!! HEEELLLOOO!!!! That Olivia is not your friend I advise to RUN!!! And I mean FAST, I always say there are 2 types of Nutty and Olivia is definitely one of them. My girlfriend said she really a man, but I have no proof, LOL!!

Now Emily, poor Emily she is about as bright as a box of rocks. She think she is in a relationship with Fabolous. Clearly she isn’t. He don’t pick up the phone and don’t show up for family photos. Sorry boo that is not your man and it has nothing to do with being a rapper or the rapping lifestyle. He AIN”T CLAIMING YO ASS!!! Like I said straight delusional. Apparently she is the other type of Nutty in 2 types of Nutty and You need to run from her Nutty ass TOO!!! LOL

So Chrissy di I have right to be upset with you? Yes and here is why. I feel like you done set back women 5 billion years with this bullshit ass proposal. If you want to be a fool, do it in the privacy of your own home, but u know why you did it on National TV because you know if it was just you and him you would have got your damn feelings hurt. I think he would have dissed you, real talk!! Cuz even in front of all those people he never said yes. So just imagine what his reaction would have been in the privacy of your own home!!! You did it in order to put him on the Spot and didn’t tell Mama Jones because she would have told Jimmy and he probably would have pulled the same stunt FAB pulled on Emily the Dumb Ass. NOT SHOW UP!!! You knew why you did it that way and don’t pretend you don’t.  Now like I said you can do what you want with your life, but don’t put dumb ISH on display for all of us to see. If you want to be a Fool than go ahead but don’t set that as the precedent and having nuccas thinking some other chick should follow. The sad part is it’s a dumb ass running around here setting up a proposal as we speak cuz she watched your dumb ass last night. You gonna have men thinking its ok for women to propose to them, we already got enough BS jacking up the black family structure, now you done propose to a damn man on national TV!! Like Really Chrissy, Really?!?! How oh HOW did you ever lose you Maybach Bitch Mentality. The streets was giving you your props, and then u pull THIS!!!

This was a desperate Chick Move, straight Sahara Desert THIRSTY!!! I hope Jimmy do marry you because after this stunt U will forever and Always be WASHED UP!!! Your engaged with NO RING!!! WTF!!  Dummy take ya ring back and have him buy you one!!!

Sincerely,

MrsSuicide –Now Go Kill Ya Self!!!  

P.S. I hope David Tutera wasn’t watching, u probably gave that man a Damn Heart Attack!!

P.S.S. oh and I am Team MAMA JONES NOW!!! Eventho she got crackhead tendencies, I gotta choose her over any fool that proposes to a DAMN MAN!! SMH Again!!

Bitch That Aint YO MAN!!! GET A GRIP!!!

Ok so I had an interesting week to say the least!!! A few topics came up for the blog and I said hmmm where do I begin. Now let me say this, this topic right here is not for the faint of heart. If you got issues with folks cheating or screwing around, this BLOG is NOT FOR YOU!!!! This Blog is for the Sidechicks and some of it applies to women looking for love in all the wrong places, so I will try to address both. I know yall gonna want me to say being a side chick is wrong or if you a Side Chick you must have low Self Esteem, blah blah Blah!!! Well this AIN’T THAT BLOG!!! Cuz all side chicks ain’t depressed and some of them some Bad Bitches!! If you think I’m lying, take a look at the photo above….. hmmm need I say more!!! I been there before And OMG I am not the devil, I am just willing to admit it and hopefully I can teach the next young lady a thing or 2, so don’t crucify me. If you are going to crucify me atleast buy me a DRINK first, lol. I know yall want me to tell the sidechick Not to do it!! Thats just like telling a teenager not to have sex, they are going to do it anyway, so allow me to give the Sidechicks of the World some tools not to be stupid. Trust this is beneficial to the women in relationships as well, because if the Side Chicks aren't as Dumb, men wouldn't have as many options. Most of them can't afford a side chick with some damn sense. 

So here we go, a friend of mine inboxed me and said I need you to write about  woman with low self esteem allowing men to just run all over them. She knows two chicks dating the same man and they both know about each other. She knows another chick who is dealing with a man that lives with another woman, which has been going on for a year. Then she knows another woman who was with a man for 10 years and he left her with 2 kids and married another woman. And now he's cheating on his wife with the previous chick.  Woah NELLY!!! This was a lot to take in. She implied that they must have low self esteem. I advised her not necessarily LOW SELF Esteem, these Hoes may JUST be  DUMB!!! I would need to know more about the particulars of the Situation in order to truly know if they dumb, have low self esteem, or IF they JUST BUTT UGLY!!! LOL, I really don’t know!!

In the same week another homey of mine asked me if she was considered single if she was seeing a man that wasn’t hers. Now let me start here, because I think a lot of women get it twisted when dating someone else man. Married, engaged, seperated, somebody boyfriend, All the scenarios above!!! HE AIN’T YOURS!!! So to even ask me this sounds crazy, OF COURSE YOUR ASS IS Single, there is nothing committed about your relationship, HE GOT A CHICK/GIRL/WIFE/WIFEY!! That ain’t your MAN!! Now do I see anything wrong with someone seeing some one else’s man, if they just boyfriend and girlfriend, uhm NOPE not really (notice I didn’t say wife because I respect the sanctity of marriage, thanks My Princy) unless yall related or friends or have close mutual friends, then that’s a problem!!! You don’t want an all out Jerry Springer moment going down cuz ya sleeping with your BFF man!! OH HELL NO, You deserve to get yo ass beat!! But as I always said and always will say the Next bitch don’t owe me or YOU a DAMN THING. Now if it’s my Man and you’re screwing him, HELL YEA, it’s a problem!!! She don’t owe me anything, but he does!! I take up all issues with the real culprit, HIM!!  Biased YES, but hey that’s LIFE, everything ain’t meant to be fair. Get over it!!! It’s a black man shortage so the next hoe gonna come for yours and mine. Its like musical chairs, the most aggressive person wins, and when the music stops there is usually only one chair left!! The next bitch is coming for your seat!! It’s the reality of the situation, either ya got the seat on lock or you don’t!!  Now either way if you decide to play music chairs with another Chick and Her MAN, you Gotta KNOW IT’s RULES TO THIS SHIT!!! Or F*ck it, even if he don’t have a woman, if yall ain’t committed some of these rules STILL APPLY. Especially if he screwing you and “Keisha” and you want more and are looking for a relationship from this man and he knows it because you two had the talk already. Now if you are not looking for anything and your just single and ready to mingle, then DO YOU and take what you want out of what I have to say. Either Way its Still Rules to this Shit, you to old to be Young, Dumb and Full of C*M!!! (Excuse my language but if I say it politely some folks just don’t understand)!!

Here we go, put on your Mac Make Up and get Pretty, because it’s about to get REAL Ugly!! I told you if you can’t handle it then Stop READING!! This is SPARTA Damn IT and I plays no GAMES!! I will kick a Bitch down a Deep Dark Hole in a heartbeat!!

1. If you are not his girl, YOU ARE SINGLE!!! His purpose is to buy you trinkets and to keep the number of sexual encounters on your jacket low while you are exploring your other dating options. This applies if he got a girl. If he don’t have a girl and doesn’t want to commit, then the fact that you are single still applies.

That means date, date and date some more, I didn’t say sleep around I said DATE. Why the hell are you sitting in the house because a man that ain’t yours told you to or implied that you should. That’s like when u was little and the lady from down the street told you to put a coat on!!! First thing that came out of your mouth was “YOU AIN’T MY MAMA.”  How in the hell did you get dumber with AGE?!?! She wasn’t your mama and he ain’t your Man. Why are you staying in the house and in an exclusive relationship with somebody else’s boyfriend or a man that you are not with? Now that is just plain ole STUPID!!! You gonna allow this nucca to dictate what you do from a distance, should I call you STUPID again!!!  Let me guess u afraid he gonna leave you? You ain’t his to leave! Yall are not together.

2. If he is in a committed Relationship, He is not a good catch!!! He Cheats and he is CHEATING WITH YOU!!! Can you say Karma!!! If you guys are dating but he also has his fair share of hoodrats, scallywags and scoundrels ALL OVER and you are looking for a committed relationship and you guys have had THE TALK and nothing Happens, sorry Sunshine he is not a good CATCH EITHER!! Either he a HOE or U just ain’t the Girl For HIM!!  If a man wants to be with you he will, regardless of what else is going on is his life. So either way you lose.

Now do I believe once a cheater always a cheater, no I do not. I don’t believe just because he cheated on her, he will cheat on me, cuz the bottom line is that Bitch ain’t me!! She a Ford and I am a Maybach!!! I got a Maybach Bitch mentality!!! I’m Top of the line and she the Bottom of the Barrel!!! Shit, I would cheat on a damn Ford too, lol!!! But the bottom line is in this scenario, if he is in a committed relationship and if he is cheating on her with you and he leaves her, that is not a good thing!! That is KARMA and oh my, my, my!!! Karma is a bad Bitch, probably one of the baddest ones I know!!! 9 times out of 10 he ain’t going to leave because if that was the case he would have done it already, plus he already hitting it, so he not going anywhere. Your Goal here is not to make this guy your guy!!! HE CHEATS!!

Now if he is single and you are looking for a committed relationship and he giving you every reason in the world why he don’t want to be in one even though yall technically do everything relationships do. Yall screwing, yall over eachothers house every night and you cooking dinner.  DO NOT PASS GO!! DO NOT Collect $200, Keep IT MOVIN, because this is not the guy for you either, like I said before either he a hoe or he is not the guy for you. If after 6 months of constant dating and playing house, he don’t know what he wants to do, he is never going to know. More importantly after enough time has lapsed he knows who you are, he don’t need you around to figure out if he wants to be with you. Just Bounce!! He is not the prize, You ARE, you should not allow him to choose YOU, You make all the choices around here!! You the Maybach remember.

3. Now if he in a relationship and He said he is only still their because of the KIDS, He lying!!! Or if he single and He can’t be in a relationship because if his Babymother find out she is going to keep the KIDS away, HE LYING About that TOO!!!

WTH?!?! This is you getting too emotionally involved and allowing yourself to be Dickmatized!!! Oh yes it is a word!! This man done put it on you and now you just believe any ole crock of BS that he says. You just STUPID!!! This is a bold face flat out lie and any man that says he is involved and gives you the kids as a reason for why he is staying is a COWARD, with no backbone and is just telling you what the hell you need to hear so he can keep on hitting it!! That right this is ONE of the Lies men tell SOOO THEY can keep on HITTING IT!! Let me ask you this, What black man only stays because of the kids, Half of them don’t even claim or take care of the ones they got, Now we got black men just flat out staying in horrible relationships for they kids!! Really, like Really!!! You believe this crock of Bullshit!!  If you do, you stupid!!! I would rather you date the guy who tells you nothing is wrong with their relationship and he just wants to screw. No Harm No Foul!!! And More Importantly, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE why he is there, once again HE DOES NOT HAVE MATE potential, he is a cheater!!

Now if he can’t be in a committed relationship because of his Baby mama and he telling you she is going to keep the kids away, he lying there too!! We live in NJ, a state with great custody laws. So either he being a Bitch about the situation, got warrants and can’t even step foot in the courthouse, his ass owe child support, he still want to be with his BabyMama or HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!! You figure it out.

4. No doing Wifely Duties when you got JumpOff or Boo Stats!! This applies to Side Chicks and if you a guy “Peoples” as they like to use in reference to the nice pretty girl they screwing and haven’t committed to!!

You cooking and letting that negro stay the night. For What?!?! He need to go lay up with his real girl or one of his hoodrats cuz u not beat. He needs to be wining and dining you, why are you allowing him to do anything but that. Laying up, cooking and stuff, GTFOH!!!  Uhm where is the room service or he need to invite you over and cook for you. If you are doing all of this and its somebody else dude, u just plain ole stupid, need I remind you he does not have mate potential, HE CHEATS!!! When you are dating somebody else man and ESPECIALLY somebody else man, those should be the best dates of your life!!! Why? Because it needs to cost him for you to be quiet!! Don’t be Dickmatized. I pity the fool. Once again you are not his girl, treat him like the TRICK that he is!  You are cooking, now he not even paying for a meal. Why are you showing him that you even know how to cook. When he ask you when are you going to cook your suppose to say “Can’t make Dinner, but I can Make Reservations!!” in your best Martha Stewart voice. Now if you guys are dating and in the dating stages it is okay to make him a plate every once in a blue, hey gotta show him your not going to burn the house completely down if you turn on the stove, lol. But you have to minimize it and remember you are the prize to be won here not the other way around so you don’t need to be cooking every night. It is not your responsibility to feed him, your not his mama and your not his chick either. Save those wifely duties for the man that you are going to be with and the one that wants to be with you.

I say all of this to say, life is to short for us to invest all our time, feelings and emotions  into Mr. Right Now, when we should be out there investing it in Mr.Right. Save your heart for a man who clearly deserves it!!! and make him work for it!! Shout out to MY Maybach Bitches (term of endearment, MY Blog MY RULES) with that Maybach Mentality!!! We are Winning (in my Charle Sheen voice)!!! I love You ALL!! Live, Laugh and Love and enjoy your weekend.

Shout OUT 2 MY Lonely Bitches(term of endearment my Blog My RULES)!!!

So I got up this morning and I already know I am going out with my bff since forever to night. Got the Kelly Bundy (short and tight) dress on Deck and I am ready to hit the scene. I called up a few of my single girlfriends and tried to convince them to come on out and they refuse. I SAID TO MYSELF, Self when you were single u was always out, hitting the scene solo if you felt like it. Not on the hunt, but def on the prowl. Happy hour after work, Dollar Wednesdays, the hood bars, Whatever!!! I hit the scene and I hit it frequently. What is going on here? How in the hell these young, single, no kid having heffas (In my post it’s a term of endearment, MY BLOG MY RULES) always in the HOUSE? I am trying to figure out what the hell they got in there. I been there and it ain’t no MAN in there, no Kids, maybe it’s a dog or a cat in there that is on its last leg and needs 24 hr care, because I have no clue why the hell these chicks never go out. Now the club scene ain’t for everybody, I personally can only do an actual club about once every 2 months. I prefer after work spots and if I do go somewhere, I prefer to be a comfy ass possible, still sexy but comfortable.  So this BLOG IS FOR ALL MY LONELY BITCHES (another term of endearment just for today)!! Get the HELL UP AND TAKE YOUR ASS THE HELL OUTSIDE!!! Nothing comes to a sleeper but a DREAM!! So wake ur ass up!!! Stripper Misuic Thursday was meant to enlighten and encourage you!!! No NO NO, I don’t want you to strip I want you to go outside. But first off let me clarify what it means to be a Lonely BITCH!!! Here is how you know if ur A LONELY BITCH!! And life is passing you BYE!!!

1. You always out with your girlfriend and her man> Bitch yo ass is LONELY!!! Why in God’s name do you feel the need to be the 3^rd wheel all the time. We are not in high school, we to damn old to be playing tag along. First of all the chick that is allowing u to tag along is a damn fool because that is breeding grounds for a Jerry Springer moment. That’s right this is how the bff and the man gets to humping around. Yall saw “Why did I get married?” She had a bestfriend that was a Lonely Bitch. Clearly if you go on a double date and you don’t have a DATE your Ass is Lonely.
2. You spend all of your free time worried about your dog or cat and your whole life is built around dog and cat activities. Call you up, you and the dog lying in the Bed, you and the dog going to the mall, you and the dog having dinner. Everything is about you and the DAMN dog. I start talking about my Kid or boyfriend and you chime in about the Damn Dog!!! Dogs are not kids and comparing your dog to my kid is borderline offensive. Now don’t get me wong I am all about the ANIMALS!!! GO PETA!!! But damn it, ur dog should not be your life, U a lonely BITCH!!! And if your dog is a female, yall 2 LONELY BITCHES!!!
3. Now here is one of the Big Ones. YOU A LONELY BITCH  If, you got all the answers to everybody relationship troubles and you don’t have a RELATIONSHIP!!! I don’t know none of yall cuz I stay clear of this type of lonely Bitch, won’t have me sitting on the couch eating Bon Bon’s with your lonely ass. You tryna make me lonely and fat at the same time!!! OH HELL NO!!! But seriously you are lonely because you are spending all of your free time minding everybody elses business instead of your own.
4. OKKK and this is how u know your ass is lonely with a side of EXTRA LONELY!!! Whenever it is time to go out you never have anything to wear and we aren’t talking about just running to get a new shirt, we are TALKING EVERYTIME its time to go out you need the whole dame wardrobe. You need a shirt, pants, shoes, accessories, your eyebrows, nails, and feet hair done. Are we going to the club or are we going to the DAMN prom and what the hell have you been looking like all damn WEEK!! You clearly do not go out enough if you need to do all of this before we go to the bar around the damn corner. YOU A LONELY BITCH!!! Who don’t go out enough because if you did, u would have something to FREAKIN wear!!!
5. You are a LONELY Bitch if you are always out with your MAMA, and guess what your MAMA is Lonely too. Now me and my mama are extremely close in age but I am not always out with her and she is not always out with me. We may hang and go to the mall or out to dinner but she is not my bff. We are not partying together and dropping it like its hot. If your mama is drops it like its hot, I want you to STOP READING NOW, GO GET YOUR CELL PHONE, Call her up and tell her don’t do that ISH no MORE!!! That is her reason for being lonely, yours is because your out at the club with the old lady tryna get her Tina Turner on and live out her Glory DAYS!! LOL, this will be you in 20 years if you don’t stop being a lonely BITCH!!
6. You are lonely if your entire life revolves around the TV!!! If someone ask you to go somewhere and you can’t go cuz you don’t want to miss American Idol or Dancing With the Stars!!! That is some lonely Bitch ISH!! Now I love TV just as much as the next person. But guess what I got a damn DVR. I will watch it later cuz I am going out with my homegirls!!

Now don’t get me wrong lonely is not the equivalency of single, even when I was Single a Bitch was never lonely and never Bored!! Always had somewhere to be, somewhere to go and something to do. I just hate for someone’s wonder years to pass them by, I got all my life to sit home and watch TV but I am only young once. LIVE LAUGH AND LOVE!!! And its the DAMN Weekend, go out and SHAKE SOMETHING wit ya lonely ass!!! LOL, Happy Friday FOLKS!!!

HoodRich but Real Life Broke!!! Yeah I'm Talking to YOU!!!

 Now after the last blog that whole experience got me to thinking and I mean seriously thinking. Made me really look at things in a different light!! I sat back and thought about all my homegirls that are laced, I mean all of us are fly and we have bags and shoes, etc. But one of my older homegirls in particular whom is a little older than me, I think she is puts all our jewelry, bag and shoe collections collectively to shame. She got a couple years on us, so it is kinda to be expected, but not at that rate. She has a decent apartment and she lives locally ( I won’t say the hood, I am just going to say locally, lol). She has a guy in her life who treats her well and he isn’t rich but he buys her pretty much whatever she asks for and whatever he won’t get she will get on her own. So she is still independent for the most part, she drives a nice ASS car, not a Toyota or Honda NICE, we are talking Brand new Lexus NICE!!!  And she can dress her ass off and when I say dress, I mean dress!!! The bitch is BAD, true to her designer labels and she blends in with us 20 Somethings whenever we do happy hour and the like!!! She does fairly well salary wise and she does have a kid, her son went to prom last year, so he is just about grown.

 Now I could have said she was younger OR that she lives with her mama OR she lives in the projects OR her boyfriend is a big time hustler OR she is on welfare or some mess like that. But for this particular blog I don’t want to paint a horrible picture because I want some of you to understand exactly where I am coming from and not disassociate yourselves the way you did with “35 and Single” blog.  I want you to truly read and realize what in the HELL is going on here. Oh and by the way if any of those last few scenarios above can be compiled into the initial scenario to paint a picture of your life, please ring the ALARM and que the damn Trumpets because I am about to wake your ASS UP.

Guess what?  I realized my Homegirl whom I love dearly is HoodRICH. 

Now what exactly is Hoodrich? Glad you asked, Hoodrich is when you put a hot tub in the apartment you are renting, or when you are pulling a brand new Mercedes up to your home in the hood or even worst up to YO MAMA HOUSE. Hoodrich is when you are wearing a MINK and hopping on and off the damn bus. That is what we call HoodRich!!! Now these are the extreme scenarios to kind of let you know what Hoodrich is. It is kind of like a version of ghetto fabulous, but the person isn’t necessarily ghetto. They look like they have it all, but when it all boils down to it, they really have absolutely NOTHING!!! Hoodrich people are into looking like they have money, when they are damn near living paycheck to paycheck and spending all there hard earned funds on what is tangible. This is Sister BROKE ASS, in the club without a damn DOLLAR but has a $500 pocketbook on her arm. OR Brother BrokeASSHELL with the $1,000 car note and NOT A STITCH of Funiture in his house and he got a big ass TV sitting on crates. Like I said HoodRICH!!!

Now I am a little Hoodrich too, wrote the book and wore the Purse with the MATCHING SHADES!!! I will be the first to admit it. But not to this damn extreme and neither is my homegirl. She is more of an Undercover HoodRich chick!!! I am at an age where being hood rich is expected. I am from the hood, I make fairly decent money at 27 and when I was younger  I felt like I was balling at one point in time!! Went to school for four years and thought I was living “the life” shortly after. I got my degree, started working in the city and living on my own at 22. I had my own place, fully furnished the way I wanted and I had my own car. I could buy a Gucci Bag at the mall and not feel like I was robbing Peter to pay PAUL!!!  Always had money to HIT THE CLUB Scene!!! BALLLLING!!! or so I thought. But this is the life one expects to have at that age, once you get a little older your priorities are suppose to change or atleast this is what I believe. I am trying to get PASSED HoodRich, my Homegilr, hmmm NOT SO MUCH!!     

See, there is a difference between what makes us look like we are doing good financially vs what it actually means to be doing good financially. Lets put this in perspective.

Let me paint a picture for you

Both women are over 40.

One chick has a nice ass car with a BIG ASS  NOTE and a closet full of high end designer threads. I mean the latest bags, the flyest coats, the baddest shoes, she has it. She is renting an apartment locally (the hood). Her dude is willing to buy her a whole lot of shit. I am not mad at her!! From the outside looking in, she is doing her numbers. She makes good money and drives a nice car. Her dude makes fairly decent money as well, so they compliment each other well. If she wants it he buys it, no matter what it cost. I am certain if he couldn’t buy her all of those things he probably wouldn’t be around, she loves the Ballers!!! So what is wrong with this? Absoluetely NOTHING!!! BUT and you knew a BIG ASS But was coming, she has no 401K, no retirement plan and no real savings and no real investments. This Lady is Hood RICH!!! Now, this is okay when you are in your early 20’s, we kind of expect it. He bought me this, He bought me that, blah blah blah. It’s cool, no harm no foul. I was this girl once upon a time in a land far far away. Sidebar to my young girls who are fly and fabulous who read the blog and are living the life, hopefully at the same time you are thinking long term too and are in school or figuring out what you want to do with your life because its all in fun now, but if you can not keep up the same lifestyle when the well run dries, you are going to have some serious problems. You will become one of the old hoes that I often talked about on Facebook, lol. Stuck where you are in life, always looking for the come up, living hood rich, but you are real life broke. I have seen it plenty of times. 

The other Chick who actually is good financially and not just keeping up appearances actually owns her home in a decent neighborhood (not local) and used her nice ass car money the first time around to finish her basement adding equity to her home, she has savings and a 401K and the interesting part is her and her man built this lifestyle together. Once the nice ass car money came around again, she bought a Mercedes!!! She had her “run” and gave up the game, hung up her gold digging shoes at about 30. She didn’t go into their relationship looking to get everything she could get right now, she thought about long term, not about purses and Pradas, but about homes and college funds for her kids, retirement plans and 401K’s. I mean she still isn’t a bum chick, she isn’t shopping in the $10 SPOT all of a sudden. She still has the purses and Pradas because she can TRULY afford them now. She goes on vacations at her leisure and is now traveling the world. Her man doesn’t just take care of her, he takes care of home and in the long run they will be financially set.

See one looks good and the other one is GOOD!!! Big difference!!

Here is my point, once you become a certain age, long term goals should be your priority and not stuff that loses its value the minute you walk out the store with it. We all try to keep up with the Joneses but don’t even realize that we don’t even know who the damn Joneses are because they aren’t hood rich, they ARE doing well financially and they are not even checking for you Boo (in my Sheree from RHWOA voice).

I say all of this to say, I just think we need to let go of the hood rich mentality, I say we because I too was bit by this bug. Shit we all were, that is a part of growing up in the hood. You want stuff you obviously can not afford. Me, my Gucci bag, and My BusCard, always together before I got my first car, hopping on the bus going to work, lol. Too dag on funny. I guess I am growing up because I can actually see where this all can lead if you don’t put things in perspective. I don’t want to be HoodRich but real life poor when I get older. Maybe it comes with being someone’s mother or clarity with age, they say 30 is a pivotal point, but some people hit 30 and never reach that pivot. For those of us who haven’t had this epiphany yet, allow me to spell it out for you. YOU ARE TO DAMN GROWN TO BE LIVING HOOD RICH!!! I was rocking Versace and Moschino in 12^th grade. During my college years, my boyfriends drove the flyest car, and we went on some hot ass dates. After college I traveled and enjoyed my youth. That is the way it should be and should have been, those were my Wonder Years, my years to be Hood Rich!! But now I am about to hit 30, in a few years of course lol, and everything is much clearer. I just feel for those whom haven’t hit that point of clarity as of yet and they are past 30 and don’t realize the long term impact it may have on their lives.

Just because your parents didn’t have, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. I am not talking about shoes and clothes and designer labels because a lot of us women base doing better than there parents solely on this, SMH at us. I would hate for my hood rich folks to see it when it no longer counts and honestly some of them may never see it. They die and don’t even have life insurance but drive around in the flyest cars, GTFOH. OR to see it when they are about to retire but they are still renting so they can’t really afford to retire because they still have to pay the damn rent!! SMH again!!! They got to work until they are 80, because there kids can’t afford to take care of them because they are to busy being hood rich as well. But guess what they got purses from 55 years ago and a whole lot of “I remember when stories.” You know the stories drunk Uncle Johnny tells you at every COOKOUT, where he always mentions and “remembers when” he had a Cadillac Coupe DeVille from 1979. We all have an Uncle Johnny or know an Uncle Johnny some how, some way.

Now lets backtrack because I am not speaking of those whom are poor or less fortunate, I do not necessarily expect for them to be able to save or make long term investments. I am talking about those of us whom have middle class funds coming in but spend ALL of it on Upper Class Trinkets. Or the ones who little to no funds coming in and live in Section 8 Housing but drive the latest Benz, hunh, where they do that at? I know where!!! In a Hood Near YOU!!!! That is why the damn Section 8 list is sooo damn long, people get on and start living hood rich and never get the hell off, lol. Section 8 is not suppose to be for life! They feel like they done MADE IT. Shut the Front Door and Call the COPS, because that is some real live HoodRich BullSh*t!!!

Now, it does makes sense to treat yourself sometimes, even if you are poor everybody deserves something nice occasionally; do whatever your version of treating yourself maybe. I still treat myself and will always treat myself but at the same time I am not going to treat myself to the point where I have all these trinkets and NO REAL MONEY!!! 

See I want to be the Joneses and not keep just try to keep up with them. I want to leave my child something in life, so when she goes to college, we aren’t robbing Peter to pay Paul and she doesn’t graduate with Sallie Mae clocking her paycheck. Yall know Sallie Mae don’t play, lol.  I want to leave her a home and show her what it is like to grow up somewhere other than the hood. I may not get there today but I will be damned if I am not there tomorrow, or I am approaching my 40’s and still HoodRich but real life poor. Or I am 70 and still working, anybody that knows me knows I barely go to work as is, I am not doing this for the next 40 years, Hell to the NOOOO! But seriously let’s prioritize here people. Let’s not put the horse before the dag on Carriage. After a certain point in our lives we know where the DAMN horse is supposed to go! Live Laugh and LOVE!!! And most importantly stop being HoodRich!!!

I AIN'T Saying you a GOLD DIgger!!! Well F*ck It, YES I AM!!!!

So I am out running in the park with a girlfriend of mine, well maybe it was more like a light jog, OK OK OK I’m a keep it Real cuz I love yall, I am lying I was power walking and sometimes it became a light stroll and other times it became a sit on the bench, lol. If you know me u know I am not running a damn place unless I got to pee really bad!!! SO we are getting our walk on and having a normal convo, how is the kid doing? How is work? What has been going on? You know the regular blahzay blah. So eventually the conversation turns to why she THINKS she can not find someone to be with and how time is a ticking because she is about to be 36. Not sure why but my everyday conversations always turn to the Why somebody can’t find a man convo? I don’t mind it, it gives me stuff to write about later and I try to be honest but sometimes my home girls make me just want to shake em. I mean a hard ass shake, the type of shake I give a baby bottle when the cereal is stuck to the bottom and just won’t quite mix with the damn milk or the kinda shake you give the shake and pour pancake mix. SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE!!!! That is why I write these blogs, so I don’t go to jail for shaking the SHIT out of one of my home girls or one of their simple ass friends. I am only 27 years old and I can not understand some of the simple mess that come out of some people mouths or how in the hell they can not see what I can see. Maybe it is because I had my run and know what the hell a bad relationship looks like, or maybe because I have been the side chick and I was called a “gold digger” once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, lol (I put the quotes around gold digger because most men have nothing but dirt and lint in their pockets, and I was being called a damn gold digger based on assumption, I have heard I give off gold digger vibes, whatever the hell that means?!? JK, I know what it means and I’m guilty).

Anyway back to my home girl, according to her it seems that whenever she meets a guy she likes he isn’t that into her or she finds out he has a girlfriend at home or if he is into her something is always missing, she is either not physically attracted to him, he is too corny or the date is whack. So I listen to her and  I wanted to break this down to her and tried to put it in the simplest terms, I mean DUR, DUR, WE TAW DID terms, but even after my whole damn spiel all the way around the park it still didn’t click. I guess she didn’t really want me to answer the question honestly. I tried explaining to her that the reason why the guys with the woman at home dates are better and not so corny and they have so much Swag already is because he has an established home life with a two income household so he obviously has more play money, his chick has play money too, but she is probably taking hers and buying Gucci bags while he is taking his and taking his side chick to 5 star restaurants. He has Swag because his girlfriend has refined him already, she done cleaned him up and probably showed him the five star restaurant you two are currently at. Yes ladies we refine MEN all the time, we are not talking a complete overhaul, just a little tune up. CAN I GET A AMEN!!!! The guy with nobody and whom is actually single can not afford to take you there and if he can it won’t be regularly, because he isn’t there yet, he has a one income household and usually when a guy is single and has no real responsibilities he will take his extra money and buy a damn 50 inch flat screen television; he is not tricking off on a brand new broad. He is not really that worried about impressing you at this stage in the game and is trying to get to know you.  So what is wrong with a simple meet and greet at happy hour? Absolutely NOTHING!!!! She says to me that she doesn’t understand why she can not have it all. I ask her rhetorically when she says all, what exactly does she mean? I already know what she means, she means the balling lifestyle, the money and the cars the 5 star restaurants and shopping sprees all courtesy of Mr. Right. I explain to her that she can have it all, if she is willing to get there with the guy whom doesn’t necessarily have it all right now, u and the right guy have the potential to build and grow together. Well she gave me the BBM confused/ Scooby Doo face. Like I had two heads or something, I had to look around and make sure Big Foot wasn’t behind me or even worst a fake Ass gang member trying to rob me, she standing there looking all stupid for no Damn Reason. I mean complete silence like I was speaking a foreign language. The conversation quickly flipped to her new purse. That initial conversation reminded me of something I saw on a Facebook Friends Status, it was on his page about a week ago. So once I get home, I go to Facebook and I pull up his page and scroll back through his statuses to refresh my memory of exactly what he wrote, it’s a little vulgar and it can sting to read but it makes sense.

MrSarcasticRahRah wrote

“Men love Pussy, but we do not marry Pussy. A man may show Pussy off to his friends. He might buy Pussy gifts. Occasionally Pussy gets to come out of the house and get treated to dinner. Pussy even gets pregnant and become the baby mama. But he never ever marries Pussy. All men see women as Pussy initially, but after a few conversations we can decide if she worth more.”

After listening to my homegirl I realized that she is simply (that P word) to the men she meets or at least that is how she portrays herself and after the initial conversation they see straight through her because she has major gold digger vibes and by the end of the night they probably realize that she is looking to make the come up. A far as the guys she meets, when she shows up with those vibes seeping through her pores, a guy with somebody can sense it and she becomes his target because she can in a way be bought. I hate to refer to another woman in this way but it is the damn truth and as harsh as it may sound and as blunt as it may be, any woman looking for instant gratification and with this particular mindset will be instantly gratified and demeaned and thought of as “just (that word)”.

You are looking for everything in one shot and he knows it. He may not say it out loud but trust he may definitely be thinking it. Sweetie pies of the world let me break it down to you, it is not because you got there too late and the wife or girlfriend beat you in the race, honey it is because that man sees you as simply (that word) and knows you are about that cash. If you like it, I love it!!! He can spot you a mile away and can pick you out of a room of 30 women. He knows what you are into and that you aren’t going to really be checking for the signs to make sure he is single because you are going to be WOWed by dinner, nice trips and designer trinkets.

Now PLEASE do not see this as me knocking any chicks hustle. I have hustle in my blood, been working since I was 2, lol, and can respect what anyone does. I can respect it because I do not know where they have been on this journey called life and exactly why they have made the choices they have made. I even respect the strippers and the hookers and the gold diggers. I do not knock a paid hoe or stripper and her hustle!!! Now a broke Hoe or a FAT ASS Stripper, I will knock all day, cuz if you are going to do it, you damn for sure better do it well! And lets not have it as a hobby, lets make it a damn profession and get paid for it. I’m Just Saying!!!

 I will not knock a good Gold Digging Chick who is actually making it happen. If you are going to dig for gold don’t just come up with a Lump of Coal or end up with a loser from the 35 and single blog when u can’t find anymore GOLD to dig for!!! Sidebar, a lot of people were knocking the men in the 35 and Single Blog, only a few commented but over 500 of you read it, yeah you don’t have that exact scenario going on because those were a little extreme BUT your story isn’t that far off, please wake up and get a DAMN Clue!!  NOW as I was saying, Contrary to what one may believe the good gold diggers actually have their own and usually have there shit together. These are the gold diggers with longevity, Kim Zolciak comes to mind!!! That is a good ass gold digger!!! She is educated and I am sure she has good if not great credit, she owns a home and when big Poppa bought her a CAR he bought the WHOLE damn car!!! Not LEASED and NOT FINANCED, but  the whole car. No car note for that gold Digger!! Now ThAT is a Good Ass Gold Digger!! We can talk about her self esteem, the fact that he is married, how she feels the next day and that God awful wig, ALL DAMN DAY, but right now we are talking about her making it happen. Now the problem with a lot of women is we need to realize this is the exception not the NORM!!!  Some of us have it TWISTED!!!

To all my women waiting like my homegirl above, I am sorry Sunshine, but Big Poppa or the NBA Player is not going to come whisk your 35 year old ass off into the sunset. It is some young girls out there whom have bodies to die for!!! I am talking Kimmy K and Amber Rose bodies!! Yeah they out there and they are not playing, they got some tricks up their sleeves and what they may lack in age in wisdom, to most men they make up for it in hotness and FLEXIBILITY! I am trying to figure out what the hell is in the MILK these days and how can I get a cup, lol!!! Now the NBA Player may go get HER, but your old ass, hmmmm not so much. You keep looking for the come Up, you will find yourself by yourself. After a certain age your gold digging abilities really take a down fall right along with your boobs, lol!! It’s called Gravity!! Some of us need to realize after a certain age and after you reach a certain point in your life we are too old to still be gold digging. When we were younger it was a little bit more acceptable, but after u hit 30, or even 35 for those of you whom couldn’t come off the porch until you were 25, it is time to hang up your gold digging shoes and let the young girls have them. The guy who appears to not be able to WOW you and Corny may be a diamond in the rough. Now when I say a diamond in the “rough,” I am not talking about the guys from the 35 and Single blog, they are freaking Diamonoids (fake Diamonds)!!! I am talking about the guy who is hard working, has his own things going on and the majority of his ducks in a row, believes in furniture (I am just saying some men do not believe furniture is a necessity), knows what it means to be the man of a household but just need a little exposure and refinement and maybe a little help when it comes to certain things. Not major things, like living with your mama, or being a old ass rapper, but small things, like how to choose a great restaurant.

I say all of this to say, if you are making a conscious decision to start seeking long term companionship and you know that you have been of or about a certain mind frame (money) and if you want to find someone and be in a relationship worth having, you have to let that mindset go!! A man that wants to be with you and a man worth having will see straight through all of that and show you what it is to have longterm financial goals vs short term spend money fast ones.  

I think some women, my homegirl included, need to really evaluate what is important in todays world and what they truly want out of life because a lot of women are living the life and getting the trinkets: jewelry, pocketbooks, a few grand and maybe even a fur coat or two. But none of them are really getting it like they believe they have the potential to get it. Especially after a certain age, some of yall, my homegirl included, been reading too many of those Hood Novels if you ask me. Guys buying boats and whole apartment buildings, GTFOH, I am not saying it doesn’t happen, but Really lets be for real here, its not going to happen to my homegirl and it probably won’t happen to you. She should have went on that venture at 22, not 36.

Now I am not saying my homegirl is a mess, quite the contrary, she just got reality a little warped. She is used to men doing things for her and now that she is looking for a man of her own, she needs to be brought down to reality. She has certain expectations of a man and it is nothing wrong with that, I believe if you are with a man and or dating a man, he definitely should do things for you. Now MAMA didn’t raise no fool. IJS, we need to let go of the fairytale and come on down to reality!!! Live laugh and LOVE!!!!

The Other Woman!!! Who is SHE?!?!?

It was a regular winter night, it was cold but not so cold that a girl wouldn’t be able to pull out her freak em’ dress and get her party on. A couple whom I have known for years are at the bar that I bartend at and they invite me and another friend of ours out to hang as it is there weekly date night. I am tired. But I decide to throw all caution to the wind and hit the scene with them anyway, so NYC here we come. So here I am hanging with the married couple and their buddy whom is also married but opted to leave his wife home. We will call the wifeless married guy, Paul. I have only met Paul’s wife once in passing and honestly can not recall what she looked like, but I do know this man to be a family man, with 2.5 kids, the Dog and the white picket fence, I am talking the Huxtables all the way and I truly believe he loves his family. Me and Paul are cool and have known each other for years and I know what you are thinking, but trust I am NOT the other woman.

So once we get to the club I am hanging with my married friends drinking my wine feeling like the odd one out but not really because Paul is there and we are engaging in platonic conversation.  In the midst of the conversation Paul states that he has a friend meeting him where we are, I give him the side eye and he chuckles a bit and we continue to converse. I ask if she knows he is married and he kindly advises that he takes his ring off for no one. Paul then states he will be right back and in my head I am thinking, I wonder what scally wag he is going to bring up in here tonight.

So I began talking to my girlfriend and she goes into the whole “I wish my husband would” conversation. She is a fire cracker, so I believed her when she stated she will “KNOCK HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF!” So as we wait for this “hoodrat/ scandalous home wrecker” to arrive, we continue to talk. She arrives, and my mouth almost hit the floor. I check her out, she is dress to the nines, petite frame, nice shape and curves all where mine used to be pre pregnancy. I check out her shoes, because any girl can get dressed for one night but the shoes tell it all. Well Miss Home Wrecker had on Christians Louboutins, I know those red soles anywhere. In my head I am thinking “well she must be a Gold Digger then.” My girlfriend refuses to engage in conversation with this young lady, but because I am the curios person that I am we began to engage in conversation. As we talk I find out that she is an entertainment attorney and from the looks of the shoes and handbag, she is doing pretty WELL, very well versed and if we hadn’t met under these exact circumstance I could see us going out for drinks and hitting the club scene together. Now ‘Slap me around and Call me Susie’ because now I am having a Real live  AHA moment as Oprah Winfrey would say.

Is this the “other” woman? Is this what she looks like and how she carries herself? I assumed she would be a mess, not have her stuff together, a Hoodrat, a Scally Wag, cheap Bag , cheap shoes, a cheap weave and a $10 outfit, something that no one could ever take home to their mother and here is this Fly Ass EDUCATED Chick , whom is obviously in a Relationship with this VERY Married man and she has no qualms about it. OH EMMM GHEEEE, this is the other woman!

As women of color, we often assume that we are the cream of the crop if we are educated, have our home life in order and bring home a decent paycheck every week. If we are in a relationship, we assume that if our mate steps out on us, it has to be with someone whom is socially and economically beneath us. Who else would deal with someone else’s husband?  As women of color we have to realize our dating pool is quite slim, especially if we have standards and because of this a lot of women can and will deal with some one else’s husband and often it is not just for an evening, a lot of times these are long term courtships. I once heard one mistress describe it as “all of the PERKS with Minimal WORK because Men court their mistresses and Love their wives.”

So as women what can we do? A part of me wanted to say nothing can be done because I believe the next woman doesn’t owe you anything especially if the man isn’t married. But because men often say they cheat for a reason I will give women some advice which address the most common reasons married men say they cheat.  

1. Other Women make it Easy!!!! So as women we must Hold ourselves to a higher moral scrutiny, if a man is in any phase of the Marriage Plan he is off limits. Engaged, Married, or Separated.  All are OFF LIMITIS!!!! Now the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, NOT SOOO MUCH, a lot of women believe he is fair GAME and if he wanted to Marry his main chick he would have already asked or they would be married currently.
2. She thinks she is the best I am ever going to get. So as women we have to stop being so critical of the Other Woman, don’t assume that “the other woman” is beneath you and you are better, because the biggest mistake a person can ever make against any adversary is underestimating their opponent. The same things you see in him she will see in him and the same way he got you, he can get someone else.
3. She doesn’t Respect me. Stop emasculating Our MEN, allow them to be the men of our Households and we need to understand what it means to be someone’s wife. Often time because we as women make more money and have seen our mothers make it through the day to day struggles as single parents, we were never taught how to allow a man to be a MAN. Trust the other Woman is allowing him to be “A MAN” and often that is exactly what he is seeking.
4. She won’t Give Me Sex Stop using Sex as a bartering Tool, it is not a means for negotiations or getting your way. If you love this man the way you say you do unless he is already cheating, just give him some. Because if you don’t, The other most certainly, WILL.  
5. She won’t Shut UP. We have to learn how to communicate without nagging.  Often times communication is lost in relationships and a lot of men feel like they can not talk to their mates without “Getting Into IT” so they lie. Little Lies become even bigger lies. Allow him to go out with the boys without giving him the 3^rd degree. Let him have his “Me Time” if that is what he needs and allow him to do this without recourse as long as he does it in a respectful manner. If you are his best friend at home and he can talk to you about anything, he won’t need to seek comfort and a listening ear from some one else. Trust the Other Woman will LISTEN.

Now in no way am I condoning cheating or am I saying a cheating man is a woman’s fault, quite the contrary I think cheating is wrong. The tips above can work in any relationship whether the person is cheating or not. These however are the excuses that men give for cheating and I wanted to address them. I believe anyone who makes a commitment in any shape, form, or fashion needs to hold true to that commitment. As women however, we have to realize if we have an All out Dog on our hands or do we have a man whom is simply seeking comfort else where? If we have a good man, and he cheats there is a strong possibility that his “side chick” is a lot like you. She is educated, well versed and probably has all her ducks in a row. Instead of bashing her, comparing her to yourself, wondering what she looks like and blaming her for what YOUR Mate is doing. Lets Put Blame where Blame is due, because in all reality she owes you absolutely nothing. The same thing you saw in that man, she saw in that man, and you and she probably have more in common than you think. She just is not allowing the fact that he is involved stand in her way. Right or Wrong, that is up for debate but here is something that is not. Your Mate is the Real Enemy as he is the one who made a commitment to you and he is the one who stepped out on his commitment. Ladies this is where your focus needs to be. Let Stop asking ourselves about the other woman and wondering “Who is SHE?”

IS 35 and Single the NEW DESPERATE!!!!

 So I decide to meet my sistergirlfriend (this is a girlfriend who is more like a Sister)  for drinks after work the other day and we are chatting it up, talking about everything under the sun as we often do whenever we get together, those of you who know me personally know I can talk a Million miles a minute. What can I say I have a gift for GAB and talking is definitely on of my strong suits!!! So the conversation turns to dating and what is going in my life. I tell her everything is good, I have a new beau and I think this is it. if you read my Facebook page I said my next boyfriend wouldn’t be my ex boyfriend and I meant it. We go into the how we met and how I am not getting any younger, have a kid already but would like to be married in the next few years, yada yada yada blahzay blah. My sistergirlfriend is happily married and when I say happy, I mean happy!!! I personally see how well her and her husband mesh and I think it is a beautiful thing so I often go to her when I have man issues and or need advice on how to curb this mouth of mine. Yes my mouth is vicious and I am well aware of it. I am learning how to curb it JUST A TAD, because I don’t want to send this one running for the hills, but I also know my mouth and my tone is a great part of who I am so I will not change it, just simply learning how not to say all the crazy mess that runs through this head of mine. All of you who know me and have been on my Facebook page know I can say some flat out Outlandish things. Well that is who I am 24/7, no Facebook stuntin and Fronting over here. We all know facebook can be a Stunters Paradise. Anywho, So I am talking to my sister/girlfriend and she asks about one of my other sister/girlfriends and I tell her that she is about to get married this June and how the wedding is right around the corner. She begins to tell me how all of her friends are either planning weddings or just got married in the last few months and they are all either 35 or a little bit older. So I say to her “WOW!! That is great!!! I can tell all my friends that there are still some viable brothers out there and despite what statistics show, its not completely hopeless if you are not married by 35. Well once we go into the nonsense of it all, and I mean complete utter nonsense.

I say a silent prayer:

“Lord these WOMEN done lost there freakin marbles!!! Completely Ape Shit if you ask me!! If I am not married by 35, Please don’t let me fall into desperation where I am willing to just marry whatever the cat done dragged in the freakin door.”  

I know we all say we can’t help who we love, yeah we can’t, but Damn it, we can atleast help who in the hell we meet. Now let me add, all of these women are successful beautiful black women, a few could use a nice weave and some hair tips but for the most part they are not the bottom of the barrel. They own homes, drive nice cars and appear to have there ducks in a row. I say appear only because these are not my friends I have met them only once or twice in passing and for all I know they can be NUTTY AS HELL!!! And based on where this story is going they may just be NUTTY AS HELL!

 So here is the rundown.

One woman’s husband was living in his mothers basement with no car and no job when they met and his ass still doesn’t have a car or a job now that they are married and here is the kicker, he is 37 and wants to rap, yes I said it RAP. I don’t even have words for this scenario. All I want to know is how in the hell did these two people meet and how do you even give this guy your number. Did he rap you out of your drawers? Is the sex that damn good? I have never and I say never had sex so good that it would allow me to allow a grown ass aspiring rapping man, who lives in his mamas basement with no job to be my damn husband. GTFOH.

Another woman's fiance used to be a pimp, I mean a real live “Hoe better have my money or I’m a slap the taste out ya mouth!” convicted pimp. Not only are you about to marry a convict but we are talking reformed pimp, who by the way still dresses like a damn PIMP!! Can we say GTFOH again!!! Once again, how did these two people even meet?

Another woman met her husband on Craigslist. Damn, has she not heard of the damn Craiglist killer? I didn’t even know Craiglist had men up there. Couches and televisions? YES!!! I even knew they had female escorts, but never in a million years did I think of Craigslist as a dating site. I could understand it more if it was match.com or even Facebook, but Craigslist?!?! Do they even have pictures up there? Can you even see what the person looks like? Atleast with FB, you probably know someone, whom actually knows this person, but Craigslist, GTFOH again!!!

The last womans fiance is GAY. I mean flaming with fingerwaves, gay. Not metrosexual because I know the difference and it was flatout obvious when I met this man the one time I met him, this man is flatout GAY!! Didn’t I warn you this was Apeshit Nutty!!!

As women I think that we need to realize that we all have to have standards and just because we get a little older and our biological clocks start ticking that does not mean we should throw all caution to the wind and marry the first man that wants to marry us. Of course the men above want to marry you,  if I was a 37 year old rapper with no real job who lived in my mama’s basement and I didn’t have a car, I’d marry you and I don’t even like girls, lol.  Seriously I know that we can not choose who we love and this is not to say these women are not in love and these men don’t treat them like the queens that they are. I do not know because as I stated these are not my friends. All my girlfriends know I am the first to call a damn Intervention and this is definitely one of those moments when they would get one. I can understand lowering your standards if you have a list five pages long like Chilli from TLC, but when did reformed pimp and gay man become a part of the dating pool?  Standards are there for a reason and there is no need to drop yours. 35 or not, biological clock ticking or not, the possibilities are still endless. Often we hear women say I never meet anybody or there is no one out here to date. There are plenty, you better get up, get out, and get something!!!

As my good deed for today, I will try to tell you how to meet men, I am no expert but I know the guys listed above can not be all that is out there. I hope and pray that is not ALL!!! Father God please let this not be it!!!  Here we go.

1. Fix yourself up.

Ladies appearance is key, I can tell you something all these women have in common, there hair is either always a mess or two seconds from a mess. This is not a good look. How are you going to find a man if your hair isn’t done half the damn time? He doesn’t want to look at that. I always say as long as the hair is done and the lip gloss is poppin everything else is fine. This includes running to the store, I don’t care if you have on sweats and a t shirt a man can see past all of that as long as that hair is done. And most importantly you need to leave your head rags of all sorts at home; this includes scarves, pretty scarves, silk scarves, and Gucci scarves. Leave them all home!!!  If you want to go out with it wrapped up (doobie style) then do so, but that scarf is definite NO NO!!! And don’t ask why some women can get away with it but you can’t. She can do it because her ass got a man at home!!! YOU DON’T.

2. Fly Solo 

I can not stand a woman that needs company everywhere she goes. Venture out on your own if you are trying to meet someone. It is easier for a man to approach you when you are by yourself. This includes going grocery shopping, running errands, and even going out to happy hour. If you must go out clubbing you do not need a whole entourage of girlfriend, what are you girls a damn singing group. Well guess what even Diana Ross had to go solo.  This means you plus one more is just fine. Here is my point you and 3 of your girlfriends are always out as a foursome, you have a 25% chance of a guy approaching you versus the other 3. If you leave 2 of them home and just take one, now you have a 50% chance. If you leave all of them home, you now have even better odds. Go out by your damn self and enjoy your evening, it really isn’t as hard as it seems.

3. Venture Out

You are not going to meet a man hanging in the house all day, your single so obviously there is no man in your house. You need to go out, and I mean A LOT. You should be out atleast twice a week especially if you do not have children, and not out to dinner with your lonely ass non hair do having girlfriends, I mean out where there will be MEN. That means a club or a bar and not an empty ass “shi shi fu fu bar.” A group of single black men are not going to be at Legal Seafood on a Friday night, they just aren’t. That is some story book bullshit. That is were you go after you have a man and truly just want to hang with your girls, not were you go when you are looking TO MEET SOMEONE. Stop being so damn bourgeois. Bourgeois broads kill me! Take your ass down to a decent establishment in the HOOD!!!  That is where the brothers are at, it will be some Pookie’s (undesireables) there but there will be more working men there than a little bit, trust I know. And do not fall for the first Pookie you meet, I think that is what happened with the sister’s above. Date and choose the one you want, do not allow a man to choose you.

I say all of this to say that we do not have to lower our standards just because we get a little older. With age comes a certain level of maturity and wisdom that I believe can only be achieved after you have lived a certain period of your life. With this maturity should come a certain sense of entitlement.  We are all entitled to have whatever we desire as women especially when it comes to a husband and family. I also want to live like the Cosby’s, but if this mean accepting bullshit and lowerig my standards just because I am a little older and single, I stand by my convictions when I say I will do no such thing. 

 Live, Laugh, and LOVE and most importantly remember who you are and what you are worth!