The Other Woman!!! Who is SHE?!?!?

It was a regular winter night, it was cold but not so cold that a girl wouldn’t be able to pull out her freak em’ dress and get her party on. A couple whom I have known for years are at the bar that I bartend at and they invite me and another friend of ours out to hang as it is there weekly date night. I am tired. But I decide to throw all caution to the wind and hit the scene with them anyway, so NYC here we come. So here I am hanging with the married couple and their buddy whom is also married but opted to leave his wife home. We will call the wifeless married guy, Paul. I have only met Paul’s wife once in passing and honestly can not recall what she looked like, but I do know this man to be a family man, with 2.5 kids, the Dog and the white picket fence, I am talking the Huxtables all the way and I truly believe he loves his family. Me and Paul are cool and have known each other for years and I know what you are thinking, but trust I am NOT the other woman.

So once we get to the club I am hanging with my married friends drinking my wine feeling like the odd one out but not really because Paul is there and we are engaging in platonic conversation.  In the midst of the conversation Paul states that he has a friend meeting him where we are, I give him the side eye and he chuckles a bit and we continue to converse. I ask if she knows he is married and he kindly advises that he takes his ring off for no one. Paul then states he will be right back and in my head I am thinking, I wonder what scally wag he is going to bring up in here tonight.

So I began talking to my girlfriend and she goes into the whole “I wish my husband would” conversation. She is a fire cracker, so I believed her when she stated she will “KNOCK HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF!” So as we wait for this “hoodrat/ scandalous home wrecker” to arrive, we continue to talk. She arrives, and my mouth almost hit the floor. I check her out, she is dress to the nines, petite frame, nice shape and curves all where mine used to be pre pregnancy. I check out her shoes, because any girl can get dressed for one night but the shoes tell it all. Well Miss Home Wrecker had on Christians Louboutins, I know those red soles anywhere. In my head I am thinking “well she must be a Gold Digger then.” My girlfriend refuses to engage in conversation with this young lady, but because I am the curios person that I am we began to engage in conversation. As we talk I find out that she is an entertainment attorney and from the looks of the shoes and handbag, she is doing pretty WELL, very well versed and if we hadn’t met under these exact circumstance I could see us going out for drinks and hitting the club scene together. Now ‘Slap me around and Call me Susie’ because now I am having a Real live  AHA moment as Oprah Winfrey would say.

Is this the “other” woman? Is this what she looks like and how she carries herself? I assumed she would be a mess, not have her stuff together, a Hoodrat, a Scally Wag, cheap Bag , cheap shoes, a cheap weave and a $10 outfit, something that no one could ever take home to their mother and here is this Fly Ass EDUCATED Chick , whom is obviously in a Relationship with this VERY Married man and she has no qualms about it. OH EMMM GHEEEE, this is the other woman!

As women of color, we often assume that we are the cream of the crop if we are educated, have our home life in order and bring home a decent paycheck every week. If we are in a relationship, we assume that if our mate steps out on us, it has to be with someone whom is socially and economically beneath us. Who else would deal with someone else’s husband?  As women of color we have to realize our dating pool is quite slim, especially if we have standards and because of this a lot of women can and will deal with some one else’s husband and often it is not just for an evening, a lot of times these are long term courtships. I once heard one mistress describe it as “all of the PERKS with Minimal WORK because Men court their mistresses and Love their wives.”

So as women what can we do? A part of me wanted to say nothing can be done because I believe the next woman doesn’t owe you anything especially if the man isn’t married. But because men often say they cheat for a reason I will give women some advice which address the most common reasons married men say they cheat.  

1. Other Women make it Easy!!!! So as women we must Hold ourselves to a higher moral scrutiny, if a man is in any phase of the Marriage Plan he is off limits. Engaged, Married, or Separated.  All are OFF LIMITIS!!!! Now the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, NOT SOOO MUCH, a lot of women believe he is fair GAME and if he wanted to Marry his main chick he would have already asked or they would be married currently.
2. She thinks she is the best I am ever going to get. So as women we have to stop being so critical of the Other Woman, don’t assume that “the other woman” is beneath you and you are better, because the biggest mistake a person can ever make against any adversary is underestimating their opponent. The same things you see in him she will see in him and the same way he got you, he can get someone else.
3. She doesn’t Respect me. Stop emasculating Our MEN, allow them to be the men of our Households and we need to understand what it means to be someone’s wife. Often time because we as women make more money and have seen our mothers make it through the day to day struggles as single parents, we were never taught how to allow a man to be a MAN. Trust the other Woman is allowing him to be “A MAN” and often that is exactly what he is seeking.
4. She won’t Give Me Sex Stop using Sex as a bartering Tool, it is not a means for negotiations or getting your way. If you love this man the way you say you do unless he is already cheating, just give him some. Because if you don’t, The other most certainly, WILL.  
5. She won’t Shut UP. We have to learn how to communicate without nagging.  Often times communication is lost in relationships and a lot of men feel like they can not talk to their mates without “Getting Into IT” so they lie. Little Lies become even bigger lies. Allow him to go out with the boys without giving him the 3^rd degree. Let him have his “Me Time” if that is what he needs and allow him to do this without recourse as long as he does it in a respectful manner. If you are his best friend at home and he can talk to you about anything, he won’t need to seek comfort and a listening ear from some one else. Trust the Other Woman will LISTEN.

Now in no way am I condoning cheating or am I saying a cheating man is a woman’s fault, quite the contrary I think cheating is wrong. The tips above can work in any relationship whether the person is cheating or not. These however are the excuses that men give for cheating and I wanted to address them. I believe anyone who makes a commitment in any shape, form, or fashion needs to hold true to that commitment. As women however, we have to realize if we have an All out Dog on our hands or do we have a man whom is simply seeking comfort else where? If we have a good man, and he cheats there is a strong possibility that his “side chick” is a lot like you. She is educated, well versed and probably has all her ducks in a row. Instead of bashing her, comparing her to yourself, wondering what she looks like and blaming her for what YOUR Mate is doing. Lets Put Blame where Blame is due, because in all reality she owes you absolutely nothing. The same thing you saw in that man, she saw in that man, and you and she probably have more in common than you think. She just is not allowing the fact that he is involved stand in her way. Right or Wrong, that is up for debate but here is something that is not. Your Mate is the Real Enemy as he is the one who made a commitment to you and he is the one who stepped out on his commitment. Ladies this is where your focus needs to be. Let Stop asking ourselves about the other woman and wondering “Who is SHE?”